When Renuka stepped out of the office bus on that November morning, she was completely overcome by nostalgia. It was her last day at work - the end of her first job. For 13 years, the company had been her home and on that day, after being witness to hundreds of farewells of her colleagues, it was her turn. For the first time in weeks, the sadness that had engulfed her was replaced by a new feeling of nostalgia. She would miss the place very badly. She had spent more time in her workplace than any other place out of home. It was her second home. She had seen it grow from what had been place of thousands to this labyrinthine monster of a hundred thousand people.
How much had she fought to stay in this place? She refused to marry if she had to quit. She had to bear her in-laws' rants. She still stuck to her job after Arjun was born. How many other sacrifices? It was all worth it. She had enjoyed her work so much that she wondered if she'd ever find such a place again. She had never found a place where she belonged to as much. And it was time to throw it all away and leave. As fast as she could.
She walked along with the crowd. She wanted to be lost in the crowd and never come out. It made her feel anonymous. She did not want to get out. She did not want to be spotted again. She did not want to answer questions. She did not want to meet anyone. She hoped they wouldn't delay her with all the formalities. She wanted to get out as soon as she could.
Arjun would be waiting... ~~~*~~~ Certificates of Appreciation, coffee mugs, Arjun's drawings, photo-frames, unit newsletters, magazines, certification materials... She was overwhelmed by the amount of stuff her desk and drawer had gathered over the years. Now, she had to take everything back. She started packing her things.
"Morning, Renu!" said Ashok as she was packing them. He seemed to be the only one from the team already in.
"Good Morning, Ashok!" He always reminded her of herself. Early to arrive, early to leave and focused at work.
"What happened?" he asked, ""We were all shocked that you suddenly went on a month's leave and now you're quitting all of a sudden." The question she didn't want to answer, but would keep coming.
"Erm..." she smiled, "You know... family needs."
He sensed she didn't want to answer.
"So," asked Renu herself sensing the awkward silence, "How's Sunil taking over?"
"Not very good actually. He's already very busy with ATLAS. He's finding it hard to manage both the projects. So they're looking for a replacement for you as soon as possible."
"I know." And then there was another silence.
"I'll go have my breakfast then." He said.
"Oh! Sure."
Solitude again! She finally managed to log in to her computer after a lot of recollection. The long break from work made her forget her password.
"Hello Madam! What happened?" pinged Srini immediately. She ignored him. Srini, Manoj and she were the last remaining souls in the company from the July 1997 batch. They hadn't been in touch recently, but still, She owed them an explanation.
Not yet... Not now... She told herself.
She took a look at her separation checklist. 21 items. Her head ached already.
~~~*~~~ 7. Please surrender your digital security tokens (if any) with the Hardware & Equipment Team at building 13. Contact Rahul Agarwal at 99167... She stared at the list wondering where in Building 13 the Hardware & Equipment Team was. Meanwhile, there was some commotion in the neighbouring cubes. She turned back to see a few of her team-members assembled outside her cubicle. Others were trickling in. Rahul seemed to be their flag-bearer. Rahul was the usual least productive guy in the team who manages to wriggle out of situations with his social skills. Even then, he was their team's glue that held things together.
"Hi Renu," he broke the ice.
She smiled. They were up to something. "Hi all!"
"Erm..." ermed Rahul, "Sandeep told us that you are quitting because of personal reasons. The way he said it, it sounded more like personal problems. So, erm... we didn't want to trouble you much with a party. But we decided to get you something." And he took a wrapped gift. Sandeep was her manager. She understood he must have tried hard to explain her situation to the team without specific details.
She received the gift amongst cheers, applauses and a muffled whistle. She had the knack of finding out what's inside a gift-wrap. It was definitely a watch.
"Thanks a lot, guys. You really needn't have!"
"Yes, we wouldn't have," said Rahul, "But Guru has already bought a new gold ring. We didn't want the party funds to turn into gold ornaments. So..."
"I got engaged, you moron!" retorted Guru, their party admin.
She did manage to smile. She'd miss her team. "Thank you guys," she said, sadness hindering her speech, "I'm sorry that I cannot take you out for lunch..."
It wouldn't take much time, would it? She asked herself. Even if it did, she owed it to her team. "But I'd love to treat you at the coffee shop at... around 3?"
~~~*~~~ The treat turned out to be a break from the irksome exit formalities. It was a relaxing experience and Renu was her normal work-self again. She had managed to forget the thoughts that were plaguing her and even caught up on some gossip. Finally, she was asked to give the customary testimonials about everyone. And then testimonials were showered upon her. After a final toast to her successful future (which she was skeptical about), they all began to disperse back to their places.
"Hello Madam!" called a familiar voice. It was Srini's. Srini and Manoj were gleefully walking towards her. Manoj had a gift bag with him. She excused herself from the others and met the two.
"Hi Guys!" she said. It was time she told them herself, "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you - Today's my last working day. I'm sorry if you already know."
"What happened?" they asked at the same time.
She fell silent. The same dreaded question.
"Nothing. 13 years is much too long, don't you think? Arjun needs taking care of, as well."
"But why so suddenly?" asked Srini.
"He's doing poorly in school. And..."
Should I go on now? she thought,
No! "Shall I get coffee for you guys?"
"Alright, I'll do that" said Srini and went to order at the counter. Manoj and Renu found a table and sat down. Manoj was lost deep in thought. They seemed to have bought her reason. "But," said Manoj, managing to distill the same question again out of all the thought, "Why all of a sudden?"
"It had to happen at sometime. And I decided to do it now. It's actually Arjun. He needs help."
"Five minutes for the coffee. They're a little held up," said Srini as he sat down along with them. "How's Arjun? You were saying something about him?"
"He's... fine. It's just..." She sighed, "It's a long story, Srini."
They noticed her hesitation. "It's okay," said Srini, "We don't have to talk about it."
"It's not that I don't want to tell you guys. I don't want to keep thinking about it all the time."
They sensed she was seriously concerned. "What happened?" asked Srini, "We might be able to help."
"It's Ravi," she replied, "He's completely out-of-his-mind. I don't seem to be able to make him understand at all. No matter how well I explain to him, he sticks to his own views and we end up shouting at each other. He and his mother keep insisting on using Ayurvedic medicines. I find the idea and the treatment entirely stupid. And in the middle of all this, Arjun's sight is deteriorating and his class teacher tells me that he finds it very hard to follow things in school."
"Deteriorating? What happened to his eye?" asked Srini with concern.
"You know he's been wearing spectacles for a long time, right?. He's had problems in his eyes from his childhood. We did not know it would become so serious. Four months ago, we noticed that he was having regular injuries at school. I also saw that there was something strange about the way he was navigating himself around. We feared something serious and immediately took him for an eye check-up. The doctor told us that it is a case of RP and his vision is deteriorating. He later explained to us that RP is incurable and in most cases progressive. We were both devastated."
"So there's no cure for this problem?" asked Srini. They were devastated too. Arjun was just 9 years old.
"No! The doctors say there's no cure for it as yet. Moreover, they think that Arjun's deterioration is rapid. They're not clear as to how fast, but they say that blindness can be prolonged with proper treatment. They even said that he might not lose complete vision. Ravi was initially hopeful that Arjun will be fine, but when the doctors mentioned that there's every possibility of him eventually going blind in 2 or 3 years and that there's no treatment for it, he began taking annoying decisions."
"You mean the ayurvedic treatment?" asked Srini.
"Yes, that and others. It started with one of his uncles. He came to visit us to check on Arjun and told Ravi that there's a place in Kerala which cures any kind of eye related problems and planted hopes in him. I got so frustrated with this. It was the time when the fact that he was going blind and nothing can be done was sinking in to me. All that we could do was to give Arjun proper treatment to prolong it or to take him to a another hospital for another opinion from the doctors. But Ravi went on to enquire about this place in Kerala and their treatment and to my surprise, decided to carry on with the treatment."
"Why are you against it?" asked Manoj, "If these doctors can't help, what's wrong in getting their help?"
"C'mon Manoj. Do you believe in all this? Do you think Ayurvedic medicines can treat something modern medicine cannot? And different people have different problems. They might not even know what the problem is, but they might give the same medicines. I cannot even remotely think of anything good coming out of this. And he and his mother insist on it instead of normal treatment to prolong blindness."
"Actually," said Manoj, "a friend of mine's cousin is taking ayurvedic medicines and he regularly goes for treatment in person as well. And my friend used to say it's effective."
"This is the problem! It is these bloody friends, colleagues and friend of a friend of a friend who bother me! I feel like... strangling them to death. 'My friend's cousin has got his eyes back', 'My friend's brother-in-law's kid doesn't wear glasses anymore', 'My colleague's sister-in-law got married after going there', 'Even the Americans come and take treatment here' Ravi keeps saying these! God! How can he be so dumb! May be, Ayurvedic medicines do help solve small problems, but people generalise it and raise hopes. I never thought Ravi would listen to all this."
"But-"
"There's another problem as well. Ravi fails to accept that his son would one day go blind. I do have some hope that he'll be okay. Who hasn't hope, anyway? But come to think of it, RP has no cure at present. And I accepted it. It was hard for me. But still, I did and he doesn't. And he still thinks Arjun can be and needs to be normal. Arjun finds it hard to read now. He uses a lens to read along with his spectacles. I don't know how long this would last. He's finding it hard to navigate in the evenings. The doctors say night blindness has already set in. Seeing him struggle, I suggested that we can move him to a blind school or atleast stop his education for this year and he got irate. He insists we should not let him think he's blind, but make him think he's normal. And he says going to school will depend on how the ayurvedic treatment plans are made."
"Hmmm." It was hard for Srini and Manoj to come up with anything to say. "When did all this happen?" asked Srini trying to gauge the present situation.
Renuka's eyes had grown watery by then. She was struggling to keep her emotions in control.
"A month ago. And after that, even when I completely refused, he forcefully tried to take Arjun to that place in Kerala. And that was when I went on leave. I was trying to hold Arjun back for treatment here. Then
my mom joined them all and asked me to try just once. They somehow managed to convince me and then I said 'Fine. Let's go there, but I will not agree to any treatment.' The place turned out to be as bad as I expected. I felt that it was run entirely on people's faith. Most of the cases were those rejected by scientific medicine and came there as a last resort. We took him for a check-up and they asked us to stay for a week. That was when we had a huge argument. Ravi wanted to stay and I wanted to leave. He refused to take us back from there insisting that we stayed. But I screamed at him and took a cab to bring Arjun back here. From then on, things have been really bad at home."
"And you've been at home the entire month trying to protect him?" asked Srini, "Why don't you try and give Ravi a chance? Or why couldn't you give him both the treatments? "
"No! A 'no' is a 'no'. I am not experimenting anything on
my son. 'Both' is not an option and it will not work out." She said stubbornly even as she struggled to hold back tears.
"He's equally worried as you are. He could be thinking that you don't see his views."
"I do see he loves his son. But, what's the point of this treatment? I clearly know it's of no use or might even be harmful. Then how can I support that? And even if I do, what about the treatment here which can at least help prolong complete blindness." She rested her foreheads on her palms and sighed, "It's the same thing over and over again for the last few weeks. And that's when I took the decision."
"To quit working?"
"Yes. And to take Arjun to my mother's place. I had enough. I can at least get him good treatment without people bothering me all the time. I don't see any point in sending him to school as well. He's going to miss the school and his friends. I need to see him get through that as well and probably next year, get him admitted into a blind school. There's one run by The Preetham Trust in association with the NAB. His life would definitely be better at my mother's place."
"But," replied Srini, "Isn't this a drastic measure? Wouldn't he miss his father? You need to first relax and think!"
"Relax? How can I relax? I am married to a man who thinks his promotions are because of his yearly visits to Thirupathi. And my mother-in-law has started re-making her jewelery into gold eyes and crowns to donate to a temple in the hope of a cure. And my mother has joined hands with her for this! They'll never let go of this rant about giving that treatment a try. And I cannot see my son undergoing such nonsense. They'll never change." Tears ran down her cheeks uncontrollably. The guy at the counter told them their coffee was ready.
Srini decided to console her. "Give it sometime, Renu. Don't take drastic measures. Just be patient. May be, your husband would see your point and accept your son's disability."
By this time, her voice had grown feeble because of the sobbing. She stared at the table as she spoke. She spoke incoherently, as if words came out from deep within her.
"Whom should I blame now? I should blame myself for getting into all this. No, I should blame my father. He brought me up to be like this, to think rationally, to think for myself, to read, to be independent and then he passed away happily at the most important time of my life. And my mom panicked and forced me into all this. I don't fit into any of this. I cannot take it anymore. I think there is something fundamentally different between me and the people around me. I've really had enough."
She then looked at both of them with bloodshot eyes and said, "I wish I believed in some God. I could have at least had someone to pray to..."
And then she sobbed silently into her handkerchief.
~~~ THE END ~~~ P.S : A little inspiration from
Sweet Nothing in My Ear.
