Accommodation is available for one person in a 1 BHK in Konapana Agrahara (close to the Ayyappaswamy temple). It is very close to Infy as well! (If one walks at a brisk pace, one can start from the house at 8:53 AM be on-time for a 9 AM meeting in Building 36. And you can get your tie done on the way too! :-)). Currently, I am the only person staying and the house is immediately available for occupation.
Details and Some Assorted Protocols of the House –
- Expenditure for a month : 5150 to 5250 (Rent : 3800 + Internet : 1100 + Electricity : 250-350) to be shared equally by 2 occupants though the new one is welcomed to offer a bigger share considering the poor financial state of affairs of the older one. (Dear Person from the HRA Verification Division of the Income Tax Department, I’ll deal with you later. Hold On.)
- All basic amenities and furniture are available including a gas stove and a WiFi Router and a backward-compatible USB 3.0 powered nose-trimmer which is forbidden for common use, although the sufficiently large book-shelf can be used by both occupants. No geyser though, only an immersion heater!
- The sump never gets empty. So, 24x7 water supply in the pipes! (Intermittent air supply available because everyone in the building is too lazy to go and switch on the motor :-)).
- No parking facility. Not even for a bicycle. Wait! We can manage some space for a bicycle, but definitely not for a bike. Wait! There is plenty of space for a bicycle in front of the entrance of the house! Just that it has to be carried up two floors as the house is on the second floor. The same can be said about a bike, if the new occupant happens to be Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent (C’mon, you can trust me with your secret identity! I can be your side-kick!). Err... Why does Clark Kent need a bike? :S
- No TV in the house! Yes, it’s Cricket World Cup Time! But still no TV! You’ll just have to manage with high-speed internet. :-)
- The cosmopolitan in me has been resisted by the conservatively-upbrought in me (And by the neighbours' broomsticks). Hence, women needn’t apply.
- The new occupant has to sign a 3132 page roommate agreement drafted meticulously by the previous roommate. (Yes, He is Sheldon! I’m just Leonard!)
- The door on the room has space left for only one poster. And the poster should blend in with Meg Ryan and Vasundara Das.
- With great accommodation comes great responsibility. Hence, the new occupant has to uphold the intellectual lineage of the house. In this regard, he needs to embrace British Comedy, meaning - he needs to watch at least one episode of any British comedy show daily. Also, he is expected to read the Madras Edition of The Hindu or the Calcutta Edition of The Telegraph daily for local news. All other Indian newspapers are forbidden as they have been tested and rated as, as Captain Edmund Blackadder puts it, “soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent”. International news accumulation methods are left to the person’s taste.
- Any visitor (relative or friend of the new occupant) to the house will be treated caringly for the first 3 days and sparingly for the next 3 and will be frowned upon thenceforth. No vice-versa enforcement allowed for this rule.
- Few stages in the hitherto enforced "Rite of Passage" to become the occupant of the house has been relaxed owing to the headache that has arisen in constant pondering over the very low response rate of applicants (and over the sudden use of profanity by them) after taking a look at the “Instructions and Hints For The Rite Of Passage To Become a House Member”. From now on, the applicants need not write a 14 page ballad titled “The Scratch On the Wall” nor write a summary of Edward Gibbon’s Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire or of Finnegans Wake nor cook a three-course French meal nor program an artificially-intelligent story-telling engine nor be filthy-rich enough to play venture-capitalist to the existing occupant’s business ventures. Other stages of the "Rite of Passage" hold though.
- The house needs to be dust-*aaa…choooooooo*-ed, swept, re-dust-*aaa…hmmm*-ed and moped to perfect cleanliness every week. Since the house is vulnerable to dust accumulation, the level of dust should be constantly monitored and kept under 100 ppm.
- The occupant’s laptop should have an attractive girl’s name. The adjective “attractive” qualifies the word “name” and not “girl”! (Ah! The vagaries of the English language). The house’s “Laptop Name Hall Of Fame” (rhymes!) includes “Rachel” and “MITRA (My Information Technology Research Assistant)”. An “Emma” or a “Zooey” is highly welcomed and would aid in the tie-breaker in case of multiple applicants achieving the same admit-score.
- The new occupant is advised to doze off well before the existing one because of the existing one’s godzillic snoring abilities. If he refuses to pay heed to the advice, he is warned that he would learn by mistake. Now, no thought should strike upon you about the sudden vacation of the house by the previous roommate. Some people are just incapable of bearing the slightest of disturbances.
I would like to end Chapter 1 - Part 1 of the “House For Rent” advertisement abruptly. I will publish the other chapters of the clearly drawn-out advertisement in a few days’ time. I am waiting for my ghost-writer and editor Mr. Frank Pickle to truck me the edited final draft. He is struggling to find a courier company with a 10-ton truck at their disposal.
I take leave. Good bye for now.
